My local pub starts newsletter

New statistics make me a Christian (bloody maths)

Sadly, even as a devout and faithful atheist, I have to accept that new statistics do indeed show that I have the same religious beliefs as Christians.

Over the years I have enjoyed many many discussions with Christians about how one of us is talking shit. But some pretty basic maths has proved that statistically speaking we’re the same.

It’s difficult to pin down how many deities there are in the world (bloody polytheists). Apparently those greedy Hindus alone have around 33 million. Christians only have One (or Three but I think they’re a bit like Captain Planet and don’t have proper full magic powers until They join together).

I’ve got None (see atheists can stick capital letters on words too).

But this makes the maths pretty clear, even just using a conservative 33,000,001 deities:

I reckon 33,000,001 gods are tosh, or 100%.

Christians can’t be doing with 33,000,000 of them
Or 99.999997%.

That’s a 0.000003% difference. That’s nothing. So statistically I’m the same as a Christian.

And they’re the same as me.

So the Pope’s an atheist. Fact.

QED

A Short Fat Ginger Guide to Dancing - part 2

Anyway, so in part one we covered not dancing, but what about dancing? As I have mentioned it is important to have some alcohol in your bloodstream and we would recommend three times the legal limit as a minimum. As the old maxim goes, “if you’re still safe to drive, you can’t do that jive”. However, it is important to understand that there are two stages to dance drinking, the pre-dance drink and the at-floor drink.

The Pre-Dance Drink

As the name suggests the pre-dance drink is intended to get your blood alcohol up to get you on the floor. Think of this like football players warming up before a match when they do that funny running sort of sideways where they swivel their hips every few steps and look a bit like Kevin Bacon in Footloose (see Chapter Two, Getting on the dance floor). Depending how quickly you want to get there almost any drink will do for the Pre-Dance.

For women, some suggestions might be:

• Two large glasses of wine
• Two double gin and tonics (or any large spirits with mixer will do)
• One Bacardi Breezer (if you drink Bacardi Breezers, one will be enough for pre-dance or you can skip this step completely)
  

For men, some ideas could include:

• Three pints of lager;[1]
  
  

Remember – although it is important to have Pre-Dance, take it easy, you should be aware of the risks of too much at this point which can lead to producing your biggest and best moves too earlier meaning you have nowhere to go. A simple test is that the right level will lead you to say things like “I want to dance” whereas if you say, “Let’s bust a move” or suggest you might ‘shake your thang’, you have had too much.


[1] we acknowledge that lager is not the only acceptable drink for men, the other being real ale. However, come on, if you drink real ale are you really going to be dancing? Imagine a CAMRA disco. Just picture that in your head. Beers, bellies, beards and boogie? No, thought not.
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He-man figures with muffins for heads

I'm often asked which are the best He-man figures with muffins for heads. Well, it's not easy to pick a definite 'best' but here are a few good ones.

Book review - 'I've worked out who killed Jesus' by Peter White

Most people assume the Romans killed Jesus. Some have theorised that a small group of high level Jewish conspirators were responsible, the so called ‘Crowd Whispers’ theory. However, recent improvements in police techniques have led one investigator to identify an alternative suspect. Peter White has revisited what we know of His life and the circumstances of His death and come up with a startling new theory.

According to White for early Christians both the Romans and Jewish leaders would have made easy scapegoats but sees this as being akin to blaming the bogeyman, stating “It’s akin to blaming the bogeyman.” Modern research suggests that most murders are committed by a close friend or family member. With this in mind, White has carefully examined what we know of His immediate circle to consider

As he says the real suspects are:

Peter – arguably benefitted the most from Jesus’ death, becoming head of family business and relocating the head office to Rome (which would seem an unusual choice had they actually been responsible).

Judas – understood to have been a police informant with an unrequited homosexual crush on ‘Our Lord and Saviour’™ which culminated in an awkward attempted kiss in the garden of Gethsemeny.

Mary Magdalene – a close friend of Jesus and known to have underworld connections, particularly in prostitution.

Joseph Davidson – Jesus’ ‘father’ who had begun to have doubts about His paternity having discovered that in reality storks have relatively little to do with conception no matter how clean.

Mary Davidson – Jesus’ mother who was under enormous pressure as a result of His insistence in going out in un-ironed robes which had led many in Nazereth and beyond to question why she let him go out dressed like that.

The meek – potentially with the most to gain as under the terms of His will, they stood to inherit the earth. It should be noted that this this version of the will had not been witnessed and was considered invalid meaning the Catholic church went on to keep the vast majority of His holdings. Indeed it was the threat of inheritance tax which lead them to relocate off-shore to the Vatican tax haven eastablished by new CEO Peter and Matthew the tax consultant (current rate of income tax in Vatican State – 0%)

Having identified the suspects and potential motives Peter White found himself at something of a deadend unsure how to proceed with the investigation. However, he then uncovered a piece of evidence that would ultimately lead to solving the mystery. He says, “I became fascinated with the method of death, it just didn’t seem to fit with a financial motive or underworld hit. But then I suddenly realised how simple it all was – the murder weapon was a bit of wood and some nails and it hit me, the carpenter! Joseph Davidson would have been to only person with ready access to these items.” As Mr White notes, the logic is irrefutable.

As with any new theory, not everyone immediately agrees. Critics have noted that White has no forensic training or expertise. However, he defends his position by stating that he has watched almost every episode of Midsomer Murders. Some detractors have brought even this into question on the basis that White repeatedly refers to the central character as ‘Bergerac’.

Whilst Peter White may not have the background of a seasoned criminal investigator his theory has been typed out neatly and published and therefore can be considered fact.

A Short Fat Ginger Guide to Dancing - Part 1

Introduction

Dancing can mean many things to many people around the world from that performed in tribal rituals to ballet and western interpretative dance, but in Britain two definitions are most generally applied:

Dancing ,n, - rhythmic movement usu. accompanying music.

Dancing, n, - gyrating like a tosser whilst drunk at a wedding.

We will be focussing on this latter form. The important thing is that it is just a guide, there are no rules to dancing like a tosser. Anything with fixed ‘steps’ that you can get ‘wrong’ is not dancing, it’s a sport.

Over the coming weeks this guide will take you step by step through everything you need to know to be able to fully dance like a twat in any given situation, from choosing your song to choosing your drink, from getting on to the dance floor to truly getting down on the dance floor, moves, grooves and choice of shoes.


Chapter One: Getting started

For beginners, it is important never to attempt to dance whilst entirely sober. Failing to have at least some alcohol is likely to result in ‘Aunts at Wedding’ (illustration.1):

1) Aunts at Wedding:


Starting with feet apart and hands slightly raised (1), slide one foot to the other and bring across the same hand (2), slide the first foot back bringing the hand back across (3), now slide the other foot across to meet the first, again bringing that hand across (4), finally slide the second foot back to the starting position and also swing the hand back. More advanced practitioners may include a clap or double finger click at steps 2 and 4.

Many purists would not consider ‘aunts’ to be a dance in the strictest interpretation of the word, owing to it allowing at least some potential to retain dignity and unlikely to lead anyone to describe it in excruciating detail the following morning. However, for this very reason it has remained popular and does offer some key advantages for the beginner over true dances.

Dance summary – Aunts at Wedding

Pros:

• Small volume – the feet and hands remain within your own ‘personal space’ making it achievable even on busy dance floors and limiting capacity to accidentally ‘smack someone round the face’.
• Social invisibility – a key factor in the selection of this dance is that it attacts no attention whatsoever whilst allowing the practitioner to remain on the dance floor, thereby avoiding any form of ‘dance floor beckon’ which is a risk if seated.
• Low injury potential – as the feet never actually leave the floor slippage risk is minimal and due to the small volume and social invisibility (see above) it is less likely that drunk tossers will kick off for no apparent reason (nb. for ginger practitioners it is important to note that this risk is reduced NOT eliminated).
  

Cons:

• Less enjoyment – as with many areas of life there is an inverse correlation between risk and reward, and this just isn’t as much fun.
• Little grinding potential – we all know dancing is really just a mating ritual and here you’re the sparrow with the smallest twig.
• Presumably you’re sober – that’s it.
  

Usual practitioners: Middle aged and above women at weddings; young girls at a disco; men at christmas parties who feel a bit uncomfortable dancing as part of a circle of women.
Likely songs: Something by Take That.
Acting Like A Tosser (ALAT) Rating: 2/10 – one of the safest bets short of staying off the floor
Overall: You’re not dancing, you’re just standing rhymically.

Investigations reveal very hungry caterpillar responsible for butterfly obesity

Butterfly obesity has become an increasing cause for concern amongst horticulturalists and recent government research has put forward a possible explanation for the issue.

The blame is though to lie at the feet of a butterflying hero, the very hungry caterpillar.


Recent research suggests that caterpillars need no more than fifteen calories per day. The much vaunted VHC diet includes one apple, two pears, three plums; four strawberries; five oranges, followed by chocolate cake, ice cream, a pickle, swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, cherry pie, a single sausage, a cupcake and a slice of watermelon, over six days.

That’s an average of 671 calories per day, or around 4474% of the recommended allowance.

He’s clearly a little too hungry and our butterflies are paying the price.

New research shows Bible was intended for sheep

Recently I heard about something called morphic resonance and sheep rolling over cattle grids on opposite sides Australia at the same time proving there was some kind of magic field. Clearly tosh. There were a few people chipping in with ideas about how this could happen, when the blindingly obvious struck me. Clearly some higher power was at work. A sheep god?

Initially this might sound ridiculous (it is) but then I looked back at what I’d learned about Christianity and realised with absolute certainty that sheep are God’s chosen people, err, sheep. The Bible says so. Fact.

Just look at the evidence. God sent his only son to deliver the message. Agnus Dei. The Lamb of God. Not the Baby Boy of God. The Lamb.

Who did He say would inherit the earth – the meek. And who’s meeker than sheep? The Lord really is their shepherd. We know this. Even bishops and popes and stuff carry crooks. For herding people? Don’t be silly.

And what about evil? The devil’s got a tail, horns, cloven hooves and a little beard. He’s a goat. Hardly a representation of evil in man, but for sheep... it’s suddenly so clear

In fact, when Jesus was asked to tell people plainly what he was doing he did just that (John 10:24-28):

‘The Jews gathered around him, saying, "How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Christ, tell us plainly."

Jesus answered, "I did tell you, but you do not believe. The miracles I do in my Father's name speak for me, but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”’

See, Jesus said he was taking the sheep to heaven. And you ain’t sheep.

So why has the human race ignored the clear facts to think they’re getting into heaven? It looks like it was just one simple typo early on: The chosen weren’t the sons of Abraham but a bah ram. QED

My imaginary friend’s birthday

23rd March is my imaginary friend’s birthday. We don’t really get on that well, what with him not existing and all.

Me and a mate invented him in a pub several years ago for no real reason and then he ended up joining Facebook. He claims to be an artist though doesn’t seem to have any evidence (again down to the not existing) and never posts anything, never updates his status, never leaves witty comments on photos etc. But, without requesting any, he has 1,228 friends. I’ve got about 50. Though I’m not an artist. Or imaginary.

Today, 41 people have sent him a message. Including one in Spanish (I don’t know if he speaks it) and, “Happy birthday baby, have a great day, xxx”. Baby. xxx. They haven’t met. She doesn’t know him. They’ve never exchanged the smallest of greetings. He doesn’t exist.

My immediate thoughts here are that they’re just massive twats. But maybe I’m wrong, these are people from all over the world who have reached out the hand of friendship to someone they’ve never met. And despite the fact he does nothing to reciprocate they still take the time to wish him a happy birthday. Actually, it feels like maybe he’s the twat.

And not existing seems a pretty flimsy excuse for that kind of behaviour.

EXCLUSIVE: ‘BBQ SUMMER’ PREDICTION GIVES ALL NEWS OUTLETS EXCUSE TO USE PICTURES OF WOMEN WEARING BIKINIS

I know what summer looks like. I don’t need the visual assistance. And anyway, it’s not much of a news story anyway – EXCLUSIVE: SUMMER WILL BE HOT.

I am quite a fan of scantily clad women and think there should be more of them but quite fancy a spot of honesty about it. Maybe there could just be a segment at the end of the news where a hot lass in her pants flashes up, or the photo on the front page of The Telegraph could just use the caption ‘look at those’ (yes, at least three times a week as it is they have a picture of a young woman with as tenuous as necessary a connection to a story).

Err, in fact, I think what I’m saying is: ‘Blimey, The Sun is the pinnacle of British journalism.’

Balls.

Forget I mentioned it.

Here’s a picture of me nude to take your mind off it.

Cooking with Magicians

I'm often asked for the best method of cooking David Blaine so I've pulled together three of my favourites ranging from the simple to something a little more adventurous.