Dancing can mean many things to many people around the world from that performed in tribal rituals to ballet and western interpretative dance, but in Britain two definitions are most generally applied:
Dancing ,n, - rhythmic movement usu. accompanying music.
Dancing, n, - gyrating like a tosser whilst drunk at a wedding.
We will be focussing on this latter form. The important thing is that it is just a guide, there are no rules to dancing like a tosser. Anything with fixed ‘steps’ that you can get ‘wrong’ is not dancing, it’s a sport.
Over the coming weeks this guide will take you step by step through everything you need to know to be able to fully dance like a twat in any given situation, from choosing your song to choosing your drink, from getting on to the dance floor to truly getting down on the dance floor, moves, grooves and choice of shoes.
Chapter One: Getting started
For beginners, it is important never to attempt to dance whilst entirely sober. Failing to have at least some alcohol is likely to result in ‘Aunts at Wedding’ (illustration.1):
1) Aunts at Wedding:
Starting with feet apart and hands slightly raised (1), slide one foot to the other and bring across the same hand (2), slide the first foot back bringing the hand back across (3), now slide the other foot across to meet the first, again bringing that hand across (4), finally slide the second foot back to the starting position and also swing the hand back. More advanced practitioners may include a clap or double finger click at steps 2 and 4.
Many purists would not consider ‘aunts’ to be a dance in the strictest interpretation of the word, owing to it allowing at least some potential to retain dignity and unlikely to lead anyone to describe it in excruciating detail the following morning. However, for this very reason it has remained popular and does offer some key advantages for the beginner over true dances.
Dance summary – Aunts at Wedding
Pros:
- Small volume – the feet and hands remain within your own ‘personal space’ making it achievable even on busy dance floors and limiting capacity to accidentally ‘smack someone round the face’.
- Social invisibility – a key factor in the selection of this dance is that it attacts no attention whatsoever whilst allowing the practitioner to remain on the dance floor, thereby avoiding any form of ‘dance floor beckon’ which is a risk if seated.
- Low injury potential – as the feet never actually leave the floor slippage risk is minimal and due to the small volume and social invisibility (see above) it is less likely that drunk tossers will kick off for no apparent reason (nb. for ginger practitioners it is important to note that this risk is reduced NOT eliminated).
Cons:
- Less enjoyment – as with many areas of life there is an inverse correlation between risk and reward, and this just isn’t as much fun.
- Little grinding potential – we all know dancing is really just a mating ritual and here you’re the sparrow with the smallest twig.
- Presumably you’re sober – that’s it.
Usual practitioners: Middle aged and above women at weddings; young girls at a disco; men at christmas parties who feel a bit uncomfortable dancing as part of a circle of women.
Likely songs: Something by Take That.
Acting Like A Tosser (ALAT) Rating: 2/10 – one of the safest bets short of staying off the floor
Overall: You’re not dancing, you’re just standing rhymically.
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