My local pub starts newsletter

New statistics make me a Christian (bloody maths)

Sadly, even as a devout and faithful atheist, I have to accept that new statistics do indeed show that I have the same religious beliefs as Christians.

Over the years I have enjoyed many many discussions with Christians about how one of us is talking shit. But some pretty basic maths has proved that statistically speaking we’re the same.

It’s difficult to pin down how many deities there are in the world (bloody polytheists). Apparently those greedy Hindus alone have around 33 million. Christians only have One (or Three but I think they’re a bit like Captain Planet and don’t have proper full magic powers until They join together).

I’ve got None (see atheists can stick capital letters on words too).

But this makes the maths pretty clear, even just using a conservative 33,000,001 deities:

I reckon 33,000,001 gods are tosh, or 100%.

Christians can’t be doing with 33,000,000 of them
Or 99.999997%.

That’s a 0.000003% difference. That’s nothing. So statistically I’m the same as a Christian.

And they’re the same as me.

So the Pope’s an atheist. Fact.

QED

A Short Fat Ginger Guide to Dancing - part 2

Anyway, so in part one we covered not dancing, but what about dancing? As I have mentioned it is important to have some alcohol in your bloodstream and we would recommend three times the legal limit as a minimum. As the old maxim goes, “if you’re still safe to drive, you can’t do that jive”. However, it is important to understand that there are two stages to dance drinking, the pre-dance drink and the at-floor drink.

The Pre-Dance Drink

As the name suggests the pre-dance drink is intended to get your blood alcohol up to get you on the floor. Think of this like football players warming up before a match when they do that funny running sort of sideways where they swivel their hips every few steps and look a bit like Kevin Bacon in Footloose (see Chapter Two, Getting on the dance floor). Depending how quickly you want to get there almost any drink will do for the Pre-Dance.

For women, some suggestions might be:

• Two large glasses of wine
• Two double gin and tonics (or any large spirits with mixer will do)
• One Bacardi Breezer (if you drink Bacardi Breezers, one will be enough for pre-dance or you can skip this step completely)
  

For men, some ideas could include:

• Three pints of lager;[1]
  
  

Remember – although it is important to have Pre-Dance, take it easy, you should be aware of the risks of too much at this point which can lead to producing your biggest and best moves too earlier meaning you have nowhere to go. A simple test is that the right level will lead you to say things like “I want to dance” whereas if you say, “Let’s bust a move” or suggest you might ‘shake your thang’, you have had too much.


[1] we acknowledge that lager is not the only acceptable drink for men, the other being real ale. However, come on, if you drink real ale are you really going to be dancing? Imagine a CAMRA disco. Just picture that in your head. Beers, bellies, beards and boogie? No, thought not.
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He-man figures with muffins for heads

I'm often asked which are the best He-man figures with muffins for heads. Well, it's not easy to pick a definite 'best' but here are a few good ones.

Book review - 'I've worked out who killed Jesus' by Peter White

Most people assume the Romans killed Jesus. Some have theorised that a small group of high level Jewish conspirators were responsible, the so called ‘Crowd Whispers’ theory. However, recent improvements in police techniques have led one investigator to identify an alternative suspect. Peter White has revisited what we know of His life and the circumstances of His death and come up with a startling new theory.

According to White for early Christians both the Romans and Jewish leaders would have made easy scapegoats but sees this as being akin to blaming the bogeyman, stating “It’s akin to blaming the bogeyman.” Modern research suggests that most murders are committed by a close friend or family member. With this in mind, White has carefully examined what we know of His immediate circle to consider

As he says the real suspects are:

Peter – arguably benefitted the most from Jesus’ death, becoming head of family business and relocating the head office to Rome (which would seem an unusual choice had they actually been responsible).

Judas – understood to have been a police informant with an unrequited homosexual crush on ‘Our Lord and Saviour’™ which culminated in an awkward attempted kiss in the garden of Gethsemeny.

Mary Magdalene – a close friend of Jesus and known to have underworld connections, particularly in prostitution.

Joseph Davidson – Jesus’ ‘father’ who had begun to have doubts about His paternity having discovered that in reality storks have relatively little to do with conception no matter how clean.

Mary Davidson – Jesus’ mother who was under enormous pressure as a result of His insistence in going out in un-ironed robes which had led many in Nazereth and beyond to question why she let him go out dressed like that.

The meek – potentially with the most to gain as under the terms of His will, they stood to inherit the earth. It should be noted that this this version of the will had not been witnessed and was considered invalid meaning the Catholic church went on to keep the vast majority of His holdings. Indeed it was the threat of inheritance tax which lead them to relocate off-shore to the Vatican tax haven eastablished by new CEO Peter and Matthew the tax consultant (current rate of income tax in Vatican State – 0%)

Having identified the suspects and potential motives Peter White found himself at something of a deadend unsure how to proceed with the investigation. However, he then uncovered a piece of evidence that would ultimately lead to solving the mystery. He says, “I became fascinated with the method of death, it just didn’t seem to fit with a financial motive or underworld hit. But then I suddenly realised how simple it all was – the murder weapon was a bit of wood and some nails and it hit me, the carpenter! Joseph Davidson would have been to only person with ready access to these items.” As Mr White notes, the logic is irrefutable.

As with any new theory, not everyone immediately agrees. Critics have noted that White has no forensic training or expertise. However, he defends his position by stating that he has watched almost every episode of Midsomer Murders. Some detractors have brought even this into question on the basis that White repeatedly refers to the central character as ‘Bergerac’.

Whilst Peter White may not have the background of a seasoned criminal investigator his theory has been typed out neatly and published and therefore can be considered fact.

A Short Fat Ginger Guide to Dancing - Part 1

Introduction

Dancing can mean many things to many people around the world from that performed in tribal rituals to ballet and western interpretative dance, but in Britain two definitions are most generally applied:

Dancing ,n, - rhythmic movement usu. accompanying music.

Dancing, n, - gyrating like a tosser whilst drunk at a wedding.

We will be focussing on this latter form. The important thing is that it is just a guide, there are no rules to dancing like a tosser. Anything with fixed ‘steps’ that you can get ‘wrong’ is not dancing, it’s a sport.

Over the coming weeks this guide will take you step by step through everything you need to know to be able to fully dance like a twat in any given situation, from choosing your song to choosing your drink, from getting on to the dance floor to truly getting down on the dance floor, moves, grooves and choice of shoes.


Chapter One: Getting started

For beginners, it is important never to attempt to dance whilst entirely sober. Failing to have at least some alcohol is likely to result in ‘Aunts at Wedding’ (illustration.1):

1) Aunts at Wedding:


Starting with feet apart and hands slightly raised (1), slide one foot to the other and bring across the same hand (2), slide the first foot back bringing the hand back across (3), now slide the other foot across to meet the first, again bringing that hand across (4), finally slide the second foot back to the starting position and also swing the hand back. More advanced practitioners may include a clap or double finger click at steps 2 and 4.

Many purists would not consider ‘aunts’ to be a dance in the strictest interpretation of the word, owing to it allowing at least some potential to retain dignity and unlikely to lead anyone to describe it in excruciating detail the following morning. However, for this very reason it has remained popular and does offer some key advantages for the beginner over true dances.

Dance summary – Aunts at Wedding

Pros:

• Small volume – the feet and hands remain within your own ‘personal space’ making it achievable even on busy dance floors and limiting capacity to accidentally ‘smack someone round the face’.
• Social invisibility – a key factor in the selection of this dance is that it attacts no attention whatsoever whilst allowing the practitioner to remain on the dance floor, thereby avoiding any form of ‘dance floor beckon’ which is a risk if seated.
• Low injury potential – as the feet never actually leave the floor slippage risk is minimal and due to the small volume and social invisibility (see above) it is less likely that drunk tossers will kick off for no apparent reason (nb. for ginger practitioners it is important to note that this risk is reduced NOT eliminated).
  

Cons:

• Less enjoyment – as with many areas of life there is an inverse correlation between risk and reward, and this just isn’t as much fun.
• Little grinding potential – we all know dancing is really just a mating ritual and here you’re the sparrow with the smallest twig.
• Presumably you’re sober – that’s it.
  

Usual practitioners: Middle aged and above women at weddings; young girls at a disco; men at christmas parties who feel a bit uncomfortable dancing as part of a circle of women.
Likely songs: Something by Take That.
Acting Like A Tosser (ALAT) Rating: 2/10 – one of the safest bets short of staying off the floor
Overall: You’re not dancing, you’re just standing rhymically.

Investigations reveal very hungry caterpillar responsible for butterfly obesity

Butterfly obesity has become an increasing cause for concern amongst horticulturalists and recent government research has put forward a possible explanation for the issue.

The blame is though to lie at the feet of a butterflying hero, the very hungry caterpillar.


Recent research suggests that caterpillars need no more than fifteen calories per day. The much vaunted VHC diet includes one apple, two pears, three plums; four strawberries; five oranges, followed by chocolate cake, ice cream, a pickle, swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, cherry pie, a single sausage, a cupcake and a slice of watermelon, over six days.

That’s an average of 671 calories per day, or around 4474% of the recommended allowance.

He’s clearly a little too hungry and our butterflies are paying the price.