Short Fat Ginger Guide to Dancing - part 3

The At-Floor Drink


In many respects, as before, the actual drink itself doesn’t matter, after all the purpose is just to keep you topped up. However, the skill is in assessing your environment and making a choice with the appropriate container. For example, some dance floors have tables at the edge, or a handy ledge, with sufficient floor space nearby for your needs. In that case you may be happy to take a pint glass and only have the occasional gulp (which will also present an opportunity for a brief rest during particularly frenetic exertions. A handy alternative in the absence of tables is the ‘behind pillar tuck’, which will allow you to leave a pint on the floor but positioned so as to make the ‘beer kick’ unlikely.

Things get more complicated where no such opportunities arise, in which case you may want to consider resorting to a can (where available) or bottle of lager (yes, we know it’s only half a pint but we’re here to dance like a tosser first and foremost).


For experienced practitioners, a final option remains – the Gyrostatic Beer Hand (GBH). This
complex manoeuvre involves keeping your right hand (or left for eccentrics) in exactly the same place whilst your body dances around it. Generally this will begin with the GBH positioned at chest height, about six inches from the body, with the shoulders slightly hunched and the hips and legs pushed back (for stability and to minimize jeans dampening in the event of spillage).

Masters of the art can achieve a wide variety of moves but it is best suited to early to mid 90s indie music where it will often be teamed with a NBH (Non Beer Hand) wave or point at shoulder height and a head bob.


The Gyrostatic Beer Hand


Movement generally kept to a minimum but with foot shuffling, head bobbing and NBH pointing, practitioner generally miserable with high degree of concentration on pint glass, stooped position and widespread leg stance lowers centre of gravity of pint to add stability.

Dance summary – Gyroscopic Beer Hand


Pros:

• Beer immediate availability – unlike most dance techniques your pint glass never leaves your hand completely eliminating the ‘table reach delay’ inherent in most forms.
  

Cons:

• Spillage factor – the inherent danger is, of course, the chance of spillage and jeans dampness, masters will say this is just a matter of technique but for beginners it represents a real risk.
  
• Introspection – the hunched form and focus on the pint glass leads to a lack of interactivity with other dancers. However it should be noted that some argue that this is an advantage giving the user an opportunity to look within themselves and truly get into the music. Indeed research shows that historically this has been the form favoured by a great number of philosophers.
  

Usual practitioners: 32 year olds in indie clubs; all students in 1996.

Likely songs: Late 80s to mid 90s (pre-Britpop) Indie music, notably Inspiral Carpets


ALAT Rating: 3/10 – not much movement, not too embarassing, but you do look like a dick.

Overall: Tricky for beginners and you may be better off just sitting down and slowly sinking into a pit of alcohol fueled depression.